listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
