I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
