I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I stole a fireplace last night.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
