On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
this beer tastes like vomit already
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
