I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
