Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
25 People Confess Their Favorite Way To Annoy Their Significant Other
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I spit up blood this morning
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
These 21 Women Share What Sexual Harassment In The Military Is Really Like
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.