So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
