Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
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I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Mom said you looked used
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I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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