but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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