a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
