Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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