When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
