I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
