I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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