I think my vagina is haunted
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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