So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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