im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
