so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
