I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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