Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
