You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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