Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
