we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
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