Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
