I want to have your abortion
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
