I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
