you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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