my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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