How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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