I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
