Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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