Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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