I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
