Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
