i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
