I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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