know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Alive.
So much puke
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
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I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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