woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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