u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
