You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
