I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
