the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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