You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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