Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
