Who wears a wallet chain?!
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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