I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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