Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
