just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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