He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
