My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
