i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I just gargled with NyQuil
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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