I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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